For the last 10 years, Islam has been in my peripheral as I explored what I believed; steadily finding the confidence and conviction to admit I believed in a higher power, in God.

I still remember being at a friend’s family party and listening to an imam recite the Quran in beautiful, angelic tones; bowing my head and being swept away with waves of euphoria. Years later, being woken up by the call to prayer (Azan) whilst visiting a friend in the Middle East and once more feeling an incredible sense of stillness and euphoria in my heart, despite not knowing what was being said.

Still, I continued to push back on a formalised religion, maintaining, whilst I believed in God, I did not feel the need to align myself to a religion or pray within four walls to validate my connection. I did not want to compromise my sense of identity by conforming and on some level scared by what people would think of a white girl adopting Islam. I was also adamant that faith was very personal and that I would never convert for someone, fearing I would feel dishonest to do this for anyone other than myself. I know my fears were simply a projection of my own opinions of myself.

Fast forward, and a sequence of events plunged my world into utter darkness and left me broken and overwhelmed by pain. They say when you turn to God, he is already running to you. I did not turn to God; I ran to him.

At a point where suddenly nothing in my life made sense, He was my support, my release, my mercy. The events of the past year have been a catalyst to what has been accumulating over the past decade and despite the pain, my connection with Allah has been my greatest gift and one I will be eternally grateful for.

As an inner contradiction, I am a logical person, with an intrinsic need to make sense of things. At the other end of the spectrum, I am spiritual and wholly accepting of putting my trust in the unseen. I have spent the last 9 months exploring Islam, and through every class I’ve attended, every video I’ve watched, every scripture I’ve read, have continuously found peace and reason; giving me the confidence that I am exactly where I should be.

They say God loves those who are broken so that the love may flow through and that he tests those he loves the most, never giving them more than they can bear. I have been humbled by my discovery of Islam and although a grateful person by nature I have found a new level of gratitude, and hope, every time I am touched by His presence; knowing that he is listening… and responding.

This is a lifelong journey and one I feel blessed to be on. I am intent on my exploration being organic, conscious not to rush myself, and whilst I am yet to take my Shahada[1], I know in my heart it is a not a question of if but when.

[1] The testification of faith to become a Muslim.